there's paper in my vomit.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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