god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
