On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize