I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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