I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
