you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
