I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
