I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
