Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
