I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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