You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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