I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
