Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
