I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
dude i'm inner monologue high
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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