My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
