I just made out with a guy for $7.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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