well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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