My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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