Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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