So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
