Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize