I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
