Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
