at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
