3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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