woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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