Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
