I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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