just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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