Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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