I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
