i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
