Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
