giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
