Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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