and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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