Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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