What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
