i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
