wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
