i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize