Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
