Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Green mimosas i think yes
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
