I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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