4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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