u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
