best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
