Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
As shirtless as possible
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
