Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
