You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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