Too much gin, very little bucket
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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