she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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