I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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