So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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