I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
