Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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