No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
