tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize