she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
