I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
