We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
