when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
