I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
