He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
