im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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