$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
