well I can't set my house on fire every night
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So vagazzling was a success
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
