using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
