I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Bring me that man meat
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
