Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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