my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
