I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
