so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
